What She Really Wants From a School

Raising a child who has had challenges attending and attaining since starting secondary school has not been easy.

If you’re raising a neurodivergent child, you might have experienced some of the same things we have.

• Arguments before leaving for school

• Lateness because they aren’t ready despite reminders

• Behaviour challenges such as frequent detentions

• Regular negative communication from school

• Illness - real and perceived, as though their mental trauma is presenting as physical symptoms

• Lower attainment in subjects they enjoyed in primary school

• Attendance reminders, being chased by attendance officers
  

And you’re probably juggling your own work or other children, your relationship or other responsibilities. And the effects are wide-ranging.

I write this post as a parent of my daughter.

Not an expert.

And some of it may resonate with you.

I’ve always advocated for my child, whilst trying to balance the expectations of her school. Whilst fighting the long and winding road to a CYPS referral, diagnosis and EHCP, this has not been fun. I have learned, through lots of trial and error, to start giving her the language to advocate for herself.

The sad truth is that, in her education setting, there’s an expectation for children to be more independent, manage their time, make sure they’re ready to learn, understand expectations (however much they vary from classroom to classroom, teacher to teacher and day to day) and be independent. But not so independent that they should try to voice their feelings or explain their behaviours - because there is a hierarchy and no time for that.

This makes school very challenging for my child.

Without going into too much detail, we are exhausted.

I’ve always made vague statements about how the school isn’t right for her and, at the more extreme end of our difficult days, even considered starting an alternative provision that would suit her needs.

Today, I realised that I’ve never outwardly asked her what her ideal school would be like.

So I did.

What she said made me tear up a little and really think about how much the education system has changed since I was a child. Before I go into what she said, I am a qualified teacher. I know lots of teachers. They work hard. I know some children are suited to some schools where others aren’t. I’m not naive enough to think that this issue we have is down to one setting or one person. But looking at what she would like from an ideal school really didn’t look like it would cost the earth, take much away from the education system (if anything at all) and could actually make for more supportive learning environments in general.

Please remember that my child is 13 and I told her to tell me her ideal school with no limits. There was not going to be a silly idea.

Here are some of the things she said she would like;

• Lessons in different buildings so I can have fresh air between my lessons

• To be able to call our parents whenever we don’t feel good

• Lots of plants inside and an outdoor place with lots of plants where we can work too

• Beanbags and comfy places to sit and learn

• To be able to do my maths work lying on the floor if I want to

• No clocks

• No bells

• Optional homework because sometimes I really want to do homework and other days I just can’t

• Uniform makes sense because sometimes it’s hard to decide what to wear each day and it saves parents money and washing different outfits but being allowed to have your hair how you want, makeup how you want, jewellery and nails so we can feel pretty and like ourselves

• An emotional support dog, like a retired greyhound

• Toilet breaks whenever we need them without getting detentions or being asked where I’m going

• A robot teacher would be good so I can just turn them off when I need to

• A box of fidget toys or regulation tools in every room

• Sometimes I just want to be on my own to be honest. Then I can read out my test questions and understand them better

• Notebooks for everyone to carry in their pockets so I can remember important things and don’t have to remember everything in my head

• An office with a trustworthy, kind and bubbly lady who I can go to with my problems

• Body length lockers that we can personalise and make them feel ours and keep things in we need so we don’t get in trouble for not being prepared
  

Some of these made me chuckle - like the detail around the kind of emotional support dog.

But some made me really quite sad.

Imagine your dream school being a place you can use the toilet when you like and having a bubbly person on reception you can go to when you have problems?! I can see where her personal experiences have shaped some of these answers.

As a neurodivergent child who can’t retain information for a long time, she is constantly forgetting from lesson to lesson things she is told to remember. Those notebooks sound fab.

Since Covid, most schools have eradicated cloak rooms and so many children try to take minimal things to school, knowing they will have to carry them around.

And, of course, with ADHD, these can be quickly forgotten, left behind or lost.

Factor in that some children are equipped with chromebooks to move from lesson to lesson and girls have feminine hygiene products they need to take - where do they store these? Lockers sound brilliant.

There is so much I have reflected on with this list, in relation to my own child, and it is helping me to understand some of the challenges.

Clocks give her anxiety

Bells are disruptive and confusing

Sometimes she is low on her social battery

Sitting at a desk with a chair is not always the most comfortable way for her to learn

Outdoor space and fresh air make her feel less closed in

She wants to have identity whilst understanding the benefits of uniform

My personal favourite is the robot teacher - to turn off when she needs to. Even as adults, we often remove ourselves from situations where we have reached maximum capacity, are under or overstimulated, tired or bored. Yet, children don’t really have an option other than to remain. As they are. As they’re told. Whilst equally supposedly learning to be independent thinkers, confident speakers and how to self-regulate.

Honestly, I learned so much from this activity and I would recommend, if you have a child who has challenges with school, to give it a go.

Sometimes, there are indirect signs about what they’re finding hard and whilst I can’t request all of this for her, it’s a starting point for some access arrangements or adjustments while she remains in her current school.

[A note to readers: Once my daughter completed her lists, I plugged them into AI and asked for a realistic image of how these things would look as a school and these are the images we got. I sent them to my daughter. Her reply was “I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM!]

My daughter wanted a cosy, homely classroom with lots of different ways to sit, a box of fidgets, small notebooks, lockers, plants and access to the outdoors all day

She also wanted spaces to sit and work outdoors with a gardening area and of course, the emotional support greyhound